http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nike_introduces_new_intercourse?...

 Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe

May 15, 2009 | Issue 45•20 <http://mail.google.com/content/index/4520>
  Article Tools

   -
      - Digg
      <http://digg.com/submit?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theonion.com%2Fcontent%2F...>
      - Facebook
      <http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http://www.theonion.com/content/...>
      - Stumbleupon
      <http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theonion.com%2...>
      - via @TheOnion - Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe Twitter
      <http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&view=js&name=js&ver=5-KJLrhzj5c.en....>
      - Reddit
      <http://reddit.com/submit?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theonion.com%2Fcontent%...>
   - Email <javascript:void(0);> To: From:

      - Print <javascript:window.print();>

   Related Articles

   - George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own
Grill<http://mail.google.com/content/news_briefs/george_foreman_grill>
   10.13.04
   - New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The
Plane<http://mail.google.com/content/node/32776>
   02.12.04

 Related Media

    - Slideshow: <javascript:void(0);>Sex & Romance <javascript:void(0);>
      02.09.09
      - Onion Radio News:CEO Has Female Sex Organs
      <http://mail.google.com/content/node/50595>07.16.06

  BEAVERTON, OR—In yet another first for the world's premier athletic
footwear manufacturer, Nike announced Tuesday the nationwide launch of the
Air Fornicator, a lightweight copulating shoe designed to maximize sexual
performance.
Enlarge Image [image: Nike Shoe] <javascript:void(0);>

The newly released Air Fornicators promise better traction during coitus.

"Nike is proud to continue its commitment to new and innovative products
with the first ever sneaker developed exclusively for sex," president and
CEO Mark Parker said. "Stylishly sculpted and contoured for enhanced
comfort, the featherlight Air Fornicator provides superior energy return to
reduce fatigue and boost the libido."

"With this shoe you will last longer, experience more pleasure, and fuck
smarter," Parker added.

According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's cutting-edge support
system creates maximum foot stability, which in turn improves coital
alignment, increases clitoral stimulation, and deepens penetration. The
revolutionary midsole component reportedly works to adapt to the user's
pelvic motions and cushions the overall shock of repetitive grinding.

Retailing for $175, the Air Fornicator will be available in high-tops and
low-tops and in a variety of passion-inducing color schemes.
Enlarge Image [image: Nike Shoes In Action] <javascript:void(0);>

Nike design engineers subjected the Air Fornicators to a battery of erotic
tests on multiple surfaces.

Senior Nike footwear designer Barry Hudson said the shoe's outer sole was
constructed from a durable carbonized rubber to improve grip, enhance
traction, and prevent slipping on a variety of surfaces, including
carpeting, concrete, wallpaper, hardwood, and silk. In addition, Hudson
claimed that the rounded CliMax-brand air heel facilitates more efficient
thrusting and lustful pounding.

"We made dozens of adjustments to the tread pattern to ensure balance, as
well as proper support for arched backs," Hudson said. "And the soles were
designed to minimize sliding around in bodily fluids. You can make love
standing up in a puddle of massage oil and you won't fall down."

Nike's research department performed thousands of trials on the Air
Fornicator over a 16-month period, including a number of stamina tests and
other off-site experiments intended to gauge the intercourse shoe's
robustness. Engineers, who observed couples in a variety of sexual
positions, found several cases in which the Air Fornicator suddenly flew
loose during intense coitus, a problem they remedied by tightening the
lacing pattern and adding a Velcro strap for security.

A nationwide marketing campaign for the copulation sneaker will debut this
Friday with a 60-second television ad scheduled to air on all major
networks. The ad, shot in black-and-white and accompanied by the Led
Zepellin song “Whole Lotta Love,” features a montage of several slow-motion
scenes. These include a shot of a sweat-covered man pleasuring his wife, who
reaches climax seconds later, shattering their bed’s headboard; a
high-angled pan of a woman rolling her wheelchair up a steep hill while
making love to her partner; and finally, a close-up of an Olympic runner,
who bends over to lace up his Air Fornicators, before the camera pulls back
to reveal his teammate approaching from behind with a strap-on dildo.

Sales for the new shoe are expected to be strong.

"My wife enjoys it when I make love to her, but I usually wind up feeling
tired and sore," focus group volunteer Michael Nelson said. "Since getting
the Air Fornicators, though, I've been giving it to her all the time. It
hardly even feels like fucking anymore."

While Nike marketers found that consumers responded favorably to the
product's claim of helping them "get into the erogenous zone," a small
percentage were still not convinced.

"I'm not going to spend $175 on an intercourse shoe when I only have sex
like once a month at most," Dallas native Erica Graham said. "They would
probably just sit in the closet and gather dust."